Tuesday, March 03, 2015

Scandal Surrounds Martia Dementia

Scandal Surrounds Martia Dementia:
Confusion and Scandal Strike Soon After Finalized Bracket Is Released

Confusion has led to scandal here in Chicago as Martia Dementia rapidly approaches. The finalized bracket, released this past Monday, March 2, sparked cries ranging from “foul” to “outrage” that could be heard from Ilium to Illinois.

Late last night, Seneca the Elder was seen going into the very locker room his son occupied earlier that day. This led to the belief that lack of specification on the bracket was their way of covering up the fact that both would try to compete to gain votes. Though his father could not be reached for comment, the underdog Seneca the Younger spoke out on their behalf: "Calamitās virtūtis occāsiō est" (“Disaster is the opportunity for bravery”). We also reached out to his first-round opponent, Petronius, and asked if he had any comment, to which the favorite, in a very Senecan way, replied, "Nōn est vir fortis ac strēnuus quī labōrem fugit" (“The person who runs away from hard work is not a brave and active man”). We expect neither participant will back down from the competition after this.
Someone spied Pliny the Younger reaching out
to his uncle Pliny the Elder late last night.

As if this father-son attempt at rigging the competition were not enough, an outside source spied Pliny the Younger writing letters to his uncle for help in his match-up against the lower-seeded Martial. Martial, not expected to receive much help from votes, hopes the committee will leverage sanctions against Pliny the Younger. As of today, the committee has yet to determine whether or how to penalize either familial pair for their scandalous attempts.

On the eastern side of the bracket, many were confused to find the 16-seed assumed not by a Greek but by the Christian apologist Lactantius. This play-in position pits Lactantius, a dark horse, against the top seed on the Greek side of the bracket. Though reporters could not reach Lactantius for comments his opponent Homer, considered the tournament's favorite by many, had a few words to say when asked about not playing a Greek in his first round: "Not a Greek, but a Roman? ἄνδρα μοι ἔννεπε. And what of the Achaeans?"

There you have it! Competition is heating up in the early stages of the tournament. Stay tuned for more pregame interviews, smack talk, and more from our fierce competitors. Also, don't forget to download your bracket and cast your votes!

-Connor Hart